35 insults that only make sense if you are Indian
Or have visited India. Or live in a country pathologically chaotic like India. Or have the ability to laugh at other people without any self reflection. Whatever.
- You’re the kind of guy who drives your Škoda SUV the wrong way and when stopped, claim you are doing it for the environment by saving fuel
- You’re the kind of gal who believes in live and let live…unless the other guy is a Pakistani.
- You are the kind of guy who thinks you’re a scientist, because you, personally, invented “nothing”.
- You’re the kind of guy who takes pride in India’s cultural heritage like the Kama Sutra but has only tried Missionary…
- …But of course, you have have heard of “69” but you prefer “99” which is how the government fucks you in the ass while cooing in your ear
- He belongs to the warrior community like he says but the only sword he’s held in his hands is his dick while pissing on the side of the road
- They revere their mother by never replying to her Good Morning messages and their father by never addressing him directly
- We respect our neighbors by posting an “…any inconvenience regretted” message on WhatsApp before dumping dirty water from cleaning the balcony on the floor below…every day.
- He must be a great poker player. While driving, even he doesn’t know what to do at the turn until he gets there
- Sitting on a park bench and loudly clapping for ten minutes straight counts as exercise in her book
- India is a graveyard for stand up comics. Who is going to pay to listen to jokes when you can visit a laughter club and laugh at nothing?
- He must be eating all that oily food to burn better at the ghat
- She’s speeding to reach the next traffic jam before everyone else
- We don’t even need to go to Moon to visit Shiv Shakti. You will find a Shiv Shakti bus at any intercity bus depot
- That car has its hazard lights on. Probably going straight
- Indians make great managers. Even the Brits knew that when they were able to control the entire country with just handful of soldiers and administrators.
- She always knows the time of the month – exactly how many days left to the second (or fourth) Saturday of the month
- The scariest taxis and autorickshaws for women are the ones with a picture of The Angry Bajrangbali – nothing screams testosterone and involuntary celibacy quite like it.
- He doesn’t see the irony of praying to Goddess Lakshmi for wealth during Diwali, then setting fire to money with fireworks.
- She knows enough about Vaastu to place her Ganesha idols facing East-West
- His evening walk ends at park bench near the exit gate of apartment building
- Indian cuisine is like the Indian flag based, as it is, on saffron, white, green sauces
- He doesn’t need to go to the gym. Those rice balls he shoves in his mouth are his bicep curls.
- It’s a good day when the Kaamwali baai shows up on time and doesn’t ask for a day off next week
- Handymen in India are dime a dozen…and it shows (am I punching down with this one?)
- She’s buying books! Saraswati puja must be around the corner.
- If a traffic cop asks for your surname, run.
- Fossil fuels aren’t the only source of greenhouse gases. All that Rajma/chawal he eats has to go somewhere.
- She thinks the check engine light of her car is confirmation that she still has an engine
- He likes to keep his money close. He even has special travel chuddies, each with a secret pocket to store cash next to his family jewels
- Who said he doesn’t care about conservation? I have seen him turn off his roaming mobile data as soon as he leaves the office wifi.
- She is the kind of person who likes to store her Totapuri mangoes in an Alfonso box.
- He’s the kind of guy who has an opinion about everything, including which dahi in the market is best to restart your own home made dahi.
- She is not a “colorist”. She, in fact, believes white is superior because it is made up all colors!
- She believes in science — signs from the zodiac, signs read by her palmist, …
— — — — — — — — — — -
This is totally tongue in cheek. But you knew that — you’re the kind of person who thinks laughing at oneself is a great way to hide the pain, not therapy.