35 insults that only make sense if you are Indian

Or have visited India. Or live in a country pathologically chaotic like India. Or have the ability to laugh at other people without any self reflection. Whatever.

1. You’re the kind of guy who drives your Škoda SUV the wrong way and when stopped, claim you are doing it for the environment by saving fuel
2. You’re the kind of gal who believes in live and let live…unless the other guy is a Pakistani.
3. You are the kind of guy who thinks you’re a scientist, because you, personally, invented “nothing”.
4. You’re the kind of guy who takes pride in India’s cultural heritage like the Kama Sutra but has only tried Missionary…
5. …But of course, you have have heard of “69” but you prefer “99” which is how the government fucks you in the ass while cooing in your ear
6. He belongs to the warrior community like he says but the only sword he’s held in his hands is his dick while pissing on the side of the road
7. They revere their mother by never replying to her Good Morning messages and their father by never addressing him directly
8. We respect our neighbors by posting an “…any inconvenience regretted” message on WhatsApp before dumping dirty water from cleaning the balcony on the floor below…every day.
9. He must be a great poker player. While driving, even he doesn’t know what to do at the turn until he gets there
10. Sitting on a park bench and loudly clapping for ten minutes straight counts as exercise in her book
11. India is a graveyard for stand up comics. Who is going to pay to listen to jokes when you can visit a laughter club and laugh at nothing?
12. He must be eating all that oily food to burn better at the ghat
13. She’s speeding to reach the next traffic jam before everyone else
14. We don’t even need to go to Moon to visit Shiv Shakti. You will find a Shiv Shakti bus at any intercity bus depot
15. That car has its hazard lights on. Probably going straight
16. Indians make great managers. Even the Brits knew that when they were able to control the entire country with just handful of soldiers and administrators.
17. She always knows the time of the month – exactly how many days left to the second (or fourth) Saturday of the month
18. The scariest taxis and autorickshaws for women are the ones with a picture of The Angry Bajrangbali – nothing screams testosterone and involuntary celibacy quite like it.

1. He doesn’t see the irony of praying to Goddess Lakshmi for wealth during Diwali, then setting fire to money with fireworks.
2. She knows enough about Vaastu to place her Ganesha idols facing East-West
3. His evening walk ends at park bench near the exit gate of apartment building
4. Indian cuisine is like the Indian flag based, as it is, on saffron, white, green sauces

Photo by Monika Grabkowska on Unsplash

1. He doesn’t need to go to the gym. Those rice balls he shoves in his mouth are his bicep curls.
2. It’s a good day when the Kaamwali baai shows up on time and doesn’t ask for a day off next week
3. Handymen in India are dime a dozen…and it shows (am I punching down with this one?)
4. She’s buying books! Saraswati puja must be around the corner.
5. If a traffic cop asks for your surname, run.
6. Fossil fuels aren’t the only source of greenhouse gases. All that Rajma/chawal he eats has to go somewhere.
7. She thinks the check engine light of her car is confirmation that she still has an engine
8. He likes to keep his money close. He even has special travel chuddies, each with a secret pocket to store cash next to his family jewels
9. Who said he doesn’t care about conservation? I have seen him turn off his roaming mobile data as soon as he leaves the office wifi.
10. She is the kind of person who likes to store her Totapuri mangoes in an Alfonso box.
11. He’s the kind of guy who has an opinion about everything, including which dahi in the market is best to restart your own home made dahi.
12. She is not a “colorist”. She, in fact, believes white is superior because it is made up all colors!
13. She believes in science — signs from the zodiac, signs read by her palmist, …

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This is totally tongue in cheek. But you knew that — you’re the kind of person who thinks laughing at oneself is a great way to hide the pain, not therapy.